sweet dreams are made of these..

i am sure that everyone has, at one point or another, felt that their dreams meant something more. Could be a premonition,a warning,an inspiration,a matter unfinished.. the possibilities are endless right? I had this dream of going on a kind of a tour around the city of Paris: complete with the luminous lights of the city at night, Eiffel tower, lounging at the posh cafes, tucking into souffle and cafe au lait.. it was quite numbing and left me with a pretty sore spot on my head.I mean, i've never been there,of course!Perhaps i've seen images of Paris, on tv, or on national geographic magazines and such, but i really am not sure about it. What is freakier, right before my eyes snapped open after that dream, i glimpsed myself in front of my house!-it was like going on a holiday and coming home again.. the images were pretty vivid, and somehow left me with this longing to go there someday (*to which mum would say:'in your dreams',haha!such irony!). Yeah,that dream could be because i ate some bad clams and bumped my head on the bedstead, but hey, it wasn't just any puffy dreams, right?
I especially hate the eerie quirks of deja vu with dreams, you know, feeling like i've seen this certain place i'm at in my dreams.. sometimes it makes you feel this kind of extensive itchiness under your skin.. like being watched. Heheh.. lame try of being spooky huh? Dreams can leave you groggy and makes you snappish for the rest of the day, but i think dreams are mere images in your head, so lets not take it seriously, eh? But taking it lightly would be a mindless act, because, ahehe.. it's going to be in your head for a while, and you just can't stop mulling over the same maudlin(hehe) dream over and over again, while having your caffeine fix in the morning..
The healthy thing to do before sleep is to clear stuffs away from your mind, just worry about things later.It's so disturbing when you can shut the computer down so easily, but you just can't shut irritating thoughts out of your head.. arggh,the agony! i find immersing myself in brushing my hair and curling in bed with a good book always help me to doze off later.. but if i am still in bed, staring numbly at the ornamental butterfly on the wall, well.. might as well get up and do something else.. like rearranging my books. I think i have this addiction of arranging and rearranging my possessions, hehe.. well, but not that much to the extent of me being an obssessive-compulsive person! Na-ah,i just do it to pass the time. It's fun, really, try filling an old gold-fish bowl with dried flowers, and add some glass marbles, and stick a few candles in-voila! a stylish piece eh?hehe..

the 'L' word.. haha(not loser,okay..)

If love were liquid it would drown me in a placeless place refine me,
in a heart shape come around me and then melt me slowly down
if love were human it would know me in a lost space come and show me,
hold me and control me and then melt me slowly down, like chocolate..
-from Kylie Minogue's chocolate

aha..i had the thought pf writing on the 'L' word.. but don't really have the right substances to write upon, but suddenly it hit me after a while.. hehe.
So.. what's love? where is it?that's a very Keatsian question,hehe.What do we know of love?It's such an annoyance to find that people do fall, time and time again, into the confusion between a crush, love, lust, .. it's a puzzling thing,eh? Love is a myth.. as cynics would say.. i mean,people who sums love with dating finds this- you go out with a guy, he takes you back, and you say "cya around" to each other, and tell your friends that you guys are dating.uhuh, okay..
To me love is openness, honesty, it's pouring yourself to somebody else, without actually losing yourself.. love is not losing yourself.It's not a matter of calling yourselves "tommyandgina" or other mushy stuffs, nor does it mean you have to be so 'committed' to each other that it means shutting everyone else out, that there is only "me and you" in this world, haha. As if saying 'i love u' will keep u living, will put food on the table, and everything's so happy, it's a la-la land..
YET.. love is not a myth.. what keeps a family stands as a family? Keeps a friendship tight? Keeps people strong? Love doesn't need a reason.It needs your all. and the other person's all too. What ALL? ask u, well. ALL=all that u were born with, just you, minus all other trimmings.That's why crushes are mere illusionary thoughts that are more hormone-driven than emotional driven, and unsurprisingly hits us in our wee high school years. After a while, u would realize that u didn't like that person, it's more to you WANTING to like that person.And that person would be someone you won't want to get anyway: too smart, too popular, too good-looking, just plain TOO MUCH.And we all know since we realize that too much candy rots our teeth that too much of anything is still a bad thing.. why is this?
Because we are obsessed of the idea of 'perfection'..and when we get close enough we'll realize that it's not as cracked up as it seems.. and that the mere imperfections of human life is what makes everything beautiful.A birthday cake won't be as special if everyday is your birthday, a wedding won't matter if you're having it everyday.. the short time limit is what makes things blissful, and most importantly =MEANINGFUL. This is what we should search for, a meaning, not perfection, because we would never know what is perfection, because that's not what we humans need.. as the nature of a human is that we are perfectly imperfect, this makes us the best among God's creation.
So love with all that u have, believe that if you don't make it happen, it won't happen. A bell is not a bell unless someone rings it, a love is never a love unless someone receives it. If you are true enough with your feelings, it will happen the way it is meant to happen, NOT the way you imagine it to be.If it doesn't.. don't rush, nor give up or surrender.If everything good comes a-rolling in front of us, would we appreciate it? would we treasure it? would we love it? NO, so believe that God knows better,that everything happens within a reason. if you want to love and be loved by the best person you can have, are you, yet, the best that you can be, now? no.. then we should always aspire to be the best version of ourselves everyday,so that when the time comes, all is left is for the both of you to complement each others' life:to live, and love, with all that you have, never in perfection, but always happy. Because then u will finally find-the true meaning of life:as the love reflected upon your loved one is the love u have for urself, and therefore implies the love for this gift of life given by God..

so close.. yet so far..

okay, so the title might seem like what i'd say when reaching for my coffee fix to widen my eyes to keep going in the morning, but, well, just want to say something about the fact that this year is almost coming towards the end! argh! i don't believe it myself..this year is definitely one of those hectic ones where you don't even realize that you are one year older..
i guess what matters is i've learnt loads for this year, not just the exams-related ones, but also about life, most importantly. i never regret meeting anyone, even those whom i find despicable, they always teach me something-usually what i should avoid doing so people won't despise me.
It's funny how some people get irritated of the fact that people around them are happy, and so they spread tall tales to ruin others' reputation.Funny how i get to hear innuendoes upon innuendoes that are as lame as the sickly pop songs belted out by boybands these days.. I'm totally over these stories because.. i've been in hostel for the past 5 years, and am totally bored of the fact that some people just can't leave their habit of bad mouthing others behind.However, i find it sad and depressing that a large number of us students, who are, suppossedly getting ready to pursue our studies abroad have the kind of thinking that equates that of a regular high-school teenager:complete with their adolescent-ish angst.. There. That's what i feel with people who think so lowly of others when they don't even try to get to know the other person first. They would never grow up from this one-way thinking and, oh, how i pity them! Just imagine how they're going to cope with an environment that requires a thinking that is universal, when they're still stuck in their narrow perceptions!

College isn't just a place for you to pore over your books, it's the place for you to hone your social skills, or more importantly, your adaptability to change. We're not polar bears, for goodness sake!Human beings are social creatures, and we are the best among all God's creation, so why, just why, are some acting like they are part of a pack of hounds sometimes??
I guess they have this anxiety that they have to feed by stepping on other's feelings.. well, self-esteem is always the issue, especially with teens, but no one else understands what we feel better than those around our age, so why not talk to them? Sometimes you have to ditch your ego to enable you to better yourself, it's alright to try, people won't make fun of you, instead they'd be honoured that you look up to them, and would be more than happy to help you. Opening up to others does not show your stupidity, it shows that you are smart enough to not let yourself feel deprived, this is a sign of maturity, which people will respect.
Alright, i'm willing to apologize for sounding like a motivational text-book, but i can't keep these thoughts out of my head. I hate seeing people in depression and looking hung down and always on the look out to make others feel down as well.. we should be supporting each other, i mean we got each other, and we should push each other to be better, not going backwards.You have all that you need right in front of you, it just takes the will and effort for you to realize that it is there, and make use of it well.

Life would be so much better when you care about it, it's eaxctly like how a relationship works.. so if it's not working, then do something about it.. before it's too late..

HONESTLY.. i can't get enough of how adorable a pair of high-heeled Mary Janes looks, or how exquisite leather ankle boots are.. or just how cute fancy flip-flops seems.. me and my roommate share a shoerack, but the amount of footwear piled on it gives a picture that there's 3 or 4 persons staying in the room, hehe. I have a keen eye for unusual things so am always on the look out for the perfect mules, or the right shade of silver sandals.. or.. hehe, yes, i could go on and on, but i guess i better not. I think the right shoes gives just the right finish to an outfit, just like a cherry on top of the dollop of cream to perfect a cake. Logically, the shoes is the last thing your gaze would drop on when looking at a person, and the ending perfects the beginning,so if your suit looks good, why spoil it with a pair of beaten up,ratty loafers?
Bags are altogether a different matter.It directs the look you are aiming your outfit at. Matching a studded leather bag with your usual t-sirt and jeans definitely looks different than matching it with a flowery canvas bag. As the great fashion designer for Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs once said, and i quote, "A handbag gives an outfit a sense of purpose"-that sums up the relevance of bag just about right.
People might wonder how to coordinate their wardrobe with accessories, and some even think that those who does it flawlessly keeps a journal or diagram of what goes with what! Oh well, i'd say that, when you have the flair, you have it, or you don't, then believe me, it shows.. that's why it's called "fashion sense", it's either your outfit makes sense.. or it doesn't at all!
The fact that some people hide behind the reason that they don't care what other people think of their appearance, therefore they don't dress nicely, is totally absurd to me. I mean, who's asking you to dress to impress others? Dress to impress yourself, show some appreciation to your ownself, you're stuck with being you, for goodness sake, so might as well enjoy being yourself. You choose to be in the state that you are and when you visualize the thought that you don't think highly of yourself by wearing ridiculuos clothes, it will sooner get to you that you are not worthy of your own attention, and sooner you'll be letting go of the only thing that is given to you-life.
A song from My Chemical Romance (my favourite band,btw) goes along these lines "You get what everyone else gets, You get a lifetime.."so what i'd say is, chances don't ever differentiate us from others, but our choices-they darn well do. So choose life. choose to be you. choose to make yourself happy. now go get those funky sneakers you've been eyeing for years.. haha..
enjoy the holidays..

- Light and Darkness, Black and White -

My teacher once wrote this on the board :
There's no need to light a night light,
On a night like tonight.
Because a night light
is just a slight light,
On a night like tonight.

Hmm.. makes you wonder what kind of night is that.. because night is equated with darkness but this one needs no light.. it's The Night.. what am I trying to imply here? well.. sometimes ordinary things that have absolutely no extravagant face value can turn to the most memorable thing ever with a single,slight change.It's funny how fate is like a jigsaw puzzle: whenever you switch or lost a piece it would change it's shape altogether.And it would never be the same.Memorable, as i've stated can be either positive or negative, but i would like to say that it's a good mixture of both. Why? Do you know that after a while, you will find that the happy things will sadden you while the sad things will make you happy? Basically,what i'm trying to say is you won't know what it's happy when you've never tasted sadness. You'll never know love if you don't know hate. Yes, we all hate the fact that black isn't just black, nor white is ever white.. but it's the way things are and you can't get away from it.
Ambiguity is mind-numbing and it leaves you in cold lonely wonder, but it strikes you when the time is really right for you to understand what life is about and how you should live it to the fullest.. i guess mine happened when it was my 'graduation day' after SPM ended in Form 5.. ironic how graduation is the climax of your scholastic endeavours.. but then after that it doesn't quiet matter at all.. it's the happiest and saddest day of school. It was even more intense for me because it was my birthday.I had never celebrated my birthday with friends before(people born in December don't get much presents)so it was a big thing to me.. end of SPM exams, graduation, my birthday,parting with friends, teachers, school.. i actually felt like i had to paste a smile on my face that day.. i was SUPPOSSED to be happy, well, i got good grades, great fiends, presents, chocholates and stuffs.. but there's something else that i wish for.. sometimes i hate myself for wanting more.. it feels like i'm not thankful enough.. i know that i'm so blessed.. i hate the fact that it's human nature to aspire for the better because it feels like i am greedy. I guess i could be a bit hard on myself at times.However, i THINK IT'S ALRIGHT TO WANT MORE, IT KEEPS YOU GOING ON, KEEPS YOUR HOPES UP, AND KEEPS YOU ALIVE.Perhaps the question is time.. and that is, of course, out of our control. The resolution? Do everything you do whole-heartedly: play hard, work hard, take risks,laugh and cry as hard as you can.. so you'll know what it feels like, and would never taste regret because it haunts and seeps into your mind, and will later depress you. Sometimes you have to die inside to be more alive,and well, obviously, it will hurt, but it will heal, and with it will come experience = priceless..

sweet nothings

Back in primary school, i had such a aweet tooth that i'll end up having at the very least one kind of sweet confectionary during recess.I love chocolates, but my ultimate weakness would be cakes.. yum.. just thinking about it makes me want to dash of to Secret recipe.. in my previous scholl, there was like a good pile of cooking books, and i was a sucker for picture books so i really enjoy thumbing through them. Baking is the most zen activity ever, and i actually had a daydream of setting up a bakery which made cakes exactly how the purchaser want them to be like.. even if they want zany toppings like anchovies.. or slimy, green lime jelly, haha. I think moulding pulut kuning and rendang together into a round cake shape would be interesting. So far,I THINK the best that i could make is carrot cake. My dad used to put on his annoying sceptical face everytime i serve something i made myself, but the day after the cake was finished, he told my mum he wanted me to bake another. I,of course,love bullying him when i can, and so urged him to get a dozen of eggs from the grocer.He hates getting out of the house when he's so comfortable in his it's-Sunday-and-i-don't-want-to do-anything mode, but he bolted to the grocer right off so i can bake the cake as soon as possible.
I think i love all these confectioneries and baked goods because of the fact that my childhood is filled with reading Enid Blyton and all sorts of picture books which illustrates and describes all these sinfully sweet goodies that really did tap my imagination. I am so glad of the fact that i had an awfully good, naughty and clumsy kind of childhood beacuse the memories are just priceless. I could still remember moulding plasticine into buns and doughnuts for my dolls' and teddy bears' tea party.. or playing 'camping' outside, climbing up the trees to pick weird kind of fruits and getting spankings for tearing my clothes to shreds.. or spending an hour locked outside for not getting home before seven o'clock in the evening.~sigh~ those were the days.. most of my childhood i thought of adulthood as cool and totally free of anything, but on the last day of standard six.. i actually felt kind of empty as i stare at the ceiling and think of the days to come.Everything's going to change, and i'm excited, but at the same time a little bit scared and sad because people are not going to stay the same way as we first met them, and this could be for the better or the worse..
i know that people say sometimes i think too much.. but at times i don't at all (false, beacause actually i'm refusing to entertain the thought) .. but i can't help it, it's just me. It's alright to realize that you're a little different, take you as you are and enjoy the fact that everyone's unique.. and that there's a special someone who'll appreciate you for being just you.. nice thought,eh?

I collect pointless stuffs

I love collecting pointless stuffs. There is an inexplainable euphoric feeling as i carefully clean then arrange them in their cases neatly.
I've had a collection of soap boxes,chocolate wrappers, strings and ribbons, buttons, beads, stickers, scraps of fabric and boxes so tiny, that you can only insert two fingers in them.I started my collection of Ice Latte cans last year, and i got about thirty, and still counting. I do,however, collect the more 'ordinary' things like stamps,keychains and stuffs. I've often wished that i could have this huge box which is divided into millions of sections so i can sort my collection in them. I never throw away anything that i find intersting, even useless bits of paper. what i do with all the junk,ask you?
With this vast collection of mine,I made tiny trinkets to give away to people, not just for some big occassion, but also for absolutely no definite reason at all. I guess i love spontaeinity, so i enjoy surprising people with my peculiar gifts. I made an applique(a kind of stitching of layers of fabric on one piece of cloth to make a picture/pattern) of a girl once, finger puppets from bottles, jewellery, paintings on used boards, lots of bags and cases, dolls.. once i used a dozen of emptied miniscule screw-cap bottles and fill them with individually made perfume, in varying colours and scents. I even put them in boxes and tied them with different coloured ribbons and gave them to friends by matching their personality with the perfumes: example: sky-blue, chamomile scented one for a friend who's such a delicate and polite little lady. I had lots of fun doing that. My mother told me i love spending time doing insignificant things for others, who might not even appreciate what i do. Well, i don't what i do just so people will be satisfied .. it only matters that I feel satisfied and happy doing it,and honestly, i don't create anything by starting with the receiver in mind, however of what i'm gong to make, and i keep it focused until it's done the way i want it to be. I love when people use what i gave them, however, and am not offende if they throw it into the dustbin if they find it useless.
It amazes even myself when i find me so immersed in this peculiar hobby of mine, and, inquisitive as i am, i wondered why i loved doing it? Then it hit me.. sometimes i do things because i want to make amends. Everyone, at some point, despise themselves for not doing the right things and unconsciously try to make emotional recovery by doing other deeds that, they assume, could disguise the frustration to themselves. Feelings are funny, annoying little imps that manages to drive you up the wall at times. We all know this, but being humans, we can't help ourselves when we succumb to the feelings we try so hard to push away.By saying this, i see that as i collect pointless stuffs.. I collect fragments of my insecurities, thumb through them, find remedies for them and use it rightfully. I sort them, keep them in memory and everytime faced with a similar situation, i have the exact remedy and use it, all without me realizing it.In a way, it made me more positive, and i'm not even trying.
I love the fact that there's a reason for everything, and that we don't know it when we so desperately want to. It makes me smile when i realize it.. and it makes me what i am today : better than what i was yesterday, and it makes me believe i will be even better tomorrow.